A reliable source – and several books, as it is a common myth – informs me that a man (Kaldi) with hyperactive goats (or sheep, but not giraffes) discovered coffee; well he discovered his favourite goat chewing on the cherries of some strange bush and on trying it himself became equally hyperactive. While not commenting on the potential dangers of chewing on something previously unidentified, or on the worrisome concept of someone having a favourite goat, we should be grateful that this man decided to investigate the cause of his goat’s excitement and didn’t resolve the problem with an extended family roast.

Another legend maintains that an Arabian was banished to the desert with his followers to die of starvation. In desperation, Omar had his friends boil and eat the fruit from an unknown plant. Not only did the broth save the exiles, but their survival was taken as a religious sign by the residents of the nearest town, Espresso.

In any event, the happy result for us is a phenomenon of religious proportions; god made beverage if you will – just add water. In this journey through a caffeinated land we will examine the history and origins of coffee and indulge in gratuitous cultural insults to provide colour, illustration and illumination.

So, what is coffee? Real coffee comes from the seed of a cherry of a tree that can grow from sea level to a height of 6000 feet. There are two main [commercially significant] types of coffee bean, robusta and arabica; Arabica is the one with the aroma and flavour, robusta has higher levels of caffeine. For aesthetic reasons coffee isn’t instant – although the first “instant”, water-soluble coffee was invented by Japanese-American chemist Satori Kato of Chicago in 1901. Anyway, while you can drink instant, it lacks the intrinsic qualities of real coffee, defining characteristics like aroma and flavour. Instant coffee is more likely to be the bastard child of any number of things, one of which is chicory, where the roots are roasted and used as a coffee additive. Those of you who drink instant coffee in the misbegotten belief that you are having a cup of java should be hanging your heads in shame, essentially you’re a peasant.

Anyway, before it became a liquid beverage it is thought that the coffee bean itself was crushed, mixed with animal fat, rolled into a ball and chewed, sweet-like. A nomadic tribe, the Oromos, - who chewed these confections before going into battle against a group called the Bongas – usually ended up in the slave markets of Harrar (as a result of getting the backsides kicked) thus accidentally bringing coffee into the trade/ slave routes. The progenitor of the coffee drink is possibly either Kati, where the leaves are roasted and then brewed, or Amertassa where the leaves are sun-dried and brewed. With reference to the legend, a leaf-based coffee progenitor actually makes a good deal of sense, as from the dietary perspective of your average goat a leaf is going to look far more appetising than a bean.

The legend continues that after our friend with the goats discovered this remarkable plant he either told (or was approached by) a passing local monk – who wondered why Kaldi was acting so strangely – about the effects of this wonderful plant. From this point on knowledge and rumour about the plant spread rapidly and as it became known it travelled from Africa to the Arabian Peninsula, thence to Turkey and eventually into Europe by dint of Venetian traders. Then, through the efforts of fraudsters, smugglers, governments and other nefarious goings on – coffee hit North America, the West Indies and South America. Strangely enough, in 1893 coffee seed from Brazil was introduced into Kenya and what is now Tanzania, only a few hundred miles south of its original home in Ethiopia.

The above is of course a vastly simplified description of events, as there is as much disagreement about where coffee was one writer places the discovery of coffee in Africa between 1500-3000 years ago, whereas another source argues that it was probably discovered and first used in Arabia in the 13th century, so let’s agree that coffee was first discovered in Africa and was brought to Arabia, probably through the slave trade. The Arabs were fiercely protective of their coffee plants and severe restrictions, i.e. death, were placed on anyone who tried to export fertile beans to other places going so far as to sterilise (through parching or boiling) any export beans – obviously someone got some fertile beans out.

Records show that coffee was first used regularly as a foodstuff in Yemen in the 6th century. But it was not until the 11th century that coffee, as a drink (using the bean) was first brewed, when Arab traders boiled the beans and created a beverage they called "qahwa" (literally, that which prevents sleep). There is some measure of academic disagreement here as to whether the Arabs were roasting their coffee beans before brewing their drink – thus making proper, “modernÉ coffee; we may assume that they were, as Monks, many centuries previous, were pouring boiling water over their coffee beans in order to get through late night devotions – and who can blame them?

Dependent on whom you believe, coffee was either brought to the North American continent by Captain John Smith when he helped to found the colony of Virginia at Jamestown in 1607, or in the 1700’s by a Frenchman; we can assume that it was probably the former, as by 1668 coffee had replaced beer as New York’s favourite breakfast drink. (At the same time in Europe, coffeehouses were opening everywhere; Italy’s first 1645 and England’s in 1652). By 1773, after the Boston Tea Party incident, the Continental Congress had declared coffee the national drink of the United States – which makes you wonder why, after 200 years of practice they still can’t make a decent espresso. It is also a cause for relief coffee was discovered before Coke.

As for that Frenchman, we can be certain that in 1723 French naval officer Gabriel Mathieu do Clieu, on leave from Martinique, stole a seedling from the Kings royal hothouse (to be fair he had tried asking permission first and was refused) and transporting it through many travails; jealous passengers, pirates, storms and water rationing, took it home. Within 50 years an official survey recorded 19 million coffee trees on Martinique. Eventually, 90 percent of the world's coffee spreads from this plant – importantly, this is one of the few positive contributions made to another nation, and indeed the world’s culture, by the French.

So, if you can’t have your coffee [sic] instantly how can you have it. Firstly, there is percolated and drip-filter coffee. Beloved of diners, greasy spoons and small towns - who probably think Espresso is one of them fancy imported ice hockey players - percolated and drip filter coffee works on the concept that you keep the coffee trapped in a semi-permeable paper bag and run hot water through it with the resultant drips, drops and splatters ostensibly being coffee. I say ostensibly because whilst the colour may be reminiscent of coffee, taste, aroma and even the consistency of the liquid are a pale imitation. Incidentally, the world's first coffee shop, Kiva Han, open in Constantinople in 1475, at the same time Turkish law made it legal for a woman to divorce her husband if he fails to provide her with her daily quota of coffee. Divorcing your partner is also the correct response if offered percolated or drip-filter coffee. Percolated and drip-filter coffee can be relied upon to disappoint and, if left long enough, remove the lining of your stomach without any resultant pay-off for your troubles.

A significant improvement on the above obscenity is plunger coffee. Be warned, there is no in-between with plunger coffee it is either good or reminiscent of boiled swamp water. Good plunger coffee is dependent on three things: correctly ground coffee, the correct amount of water and a decent plunger. The plunger is designed with the technophobe in mind – add coffee, water‡.wait, then push, this is not rocket science. Do note that buying a crappy plunger will ensure crappy coffee, always ensure that the mesh of the plunger unit snugly fits the pot otherwise you get to eat rather than drink your coffee.

The coffee you should use with a plunger is a matter of personal taste. Most halfway reputable places that sell decent coffee should offer to grind the stuff for you and they should, if they know their job, ask how you are going to use the coffee. For a plunger a medium fine grind is best, as you want the maximum amount of the grounds surface area mixing with the water; too coarse a grind and your coffee may be weak.

The dangers with getting too fine a grind are physical rather than taste related. An extremely fine grind, as you would get for an espresso machine, will result in a stronger coffee, but will also result in a battle of wills between yourself and the plunger. If you’re careful, you get your coffee. If you are less lucky then you can either send the entire plunger assemblage rocketing across the kitchen or do a remarkably accurate impression of a geyser as the resultant pressure forces the hot water up the sides of the plunger and into your face.

Espresso machines and stovetop coffee-pots work on a similar principle – pressure. A stovetop coffee-pot is a little pot that is able to be divided – it unscrews – into two halves with three separate parts, which from bottom to top are water holder, coffee holder and the holder for the result of water and coffee. I’ll assume you all know what as espresso machine is. The stovetop pot, which looks just like a Dalek, heats when placed directly on top of your element, the heated water, turns to steam and is forced through the grounds and collects at the top. Note : You gotta watch it like a hawk – you turn your back on it and you’ve got burnt coffee, and nothing tastes worse than burnt coffee, not even cauliflower.

Finally we have espresso, the font of true coffee and a prime location for finding pretentious wankers who take their coffee anally to enhance the taste experience. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the Italians who invented the espresso machine, it was the French; the Italians just refined it until it worked properly. More than anything the art of espresso is about attention to – which is why it is hard to get a decent espresso as most barristas are too busy being impressed with themselves.

There are a multitude of ways for you to have your espresso, the one true way is black, be it either a long black, a short black or, if you are in a hurry, a ristretto – which is like a concentrated short espresso. Heathens believe that adulteration through the addition of milk is acceptable, from this we get the flat white, the latte and the hideous cappuccino. Yet, however, you drink it, know that you are drinking the beverage of the gods, even an early Pope blessed coffee in a political move stating “coffee is so delicious it would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it”.